For the few months after you have a baby, life can take on a sort of dreamlike quality (occasionally nightmarish). There’s a feeling of ‘otherness’ that comes from the combination of being thrown violently out of any normal routine, and chronic sleep deprivation. Undertaking simple activities such as talking with friends, dealing with emails, catching up with housework, buying some milk… is really, really difficult. I mean, you still do these things, but it’s like you’re communicating through a telephone based in another dimension, or shouting up from the bottom of a cave somewhere in Never Never Land.

The only time you don’t feel like this is when you are talking to other new mums. Then it’s like you’ve had five cups of strong coffee all at once, you are so eager to share your experiences of birth and early babyhood. This week, I had two meetings.

The first was a business-related lunch, and it was a proper ‘get suitably dressed’ meeting, where I had to be totally on the ball, prepared and focused. O was at nursery, thankfully, but because I’m breastfeeding, I had to meet my Mum in a coffee shop across the street from the restaurant, feed E up as much as possible without getting spit-up on my outfit. Then I left the pair of them there, ran to the restaurant, did my thing, and ran back before he got hungry again. It worked, just, but bloody hell it was hard work. I didn’t want to leave my baby, even for an hour. And getting my head around going directly from goo-ing a milky goodbye to shaking hands with a business colleague… I felt, well, confused, and not a little like a fraud.

You know, some cultures have what’s called a ‘red tent’ period for women who have just given birth. They are literally ensconced in a red tent for weeks after having their baby, with people to bring them things and feed and bathe them, so all they have to do is focus on creating a bond with their new child, and getting breastfeeding established. Okay, it’s quite an extreme approach, but closer to home, some European countries provide a doula on the state for weeks, even months after the birth. A doula is a sort of nanny-come-midwife who helps with everything from labour and breastfeeding to housework and marriage counselling. Amazing. And far, far, away from the culture we have in this country, which essentially makes you feel crap whatever you do after having a baby.

At the meeting I also felt incredibly self-conscious about how I looked. A woman’s figure immediately after giving birth is, again, pretty odd. You shouldn’t have to meet people other than those coming to your house to see the baby, so they understand exactly why you look like you’ve swallowed a flotation device and have what appears to be two jellyfish stuffed in your bra. It’s almost impossible to find real clothes to fit the post-pregnancy figure, because you are back to normal size in some areas but have blubbery weirdness going on in other places. You can’t just wear a bigger size of clothing, because it’ll be loose in some areas and tight in others, so you’re stuck with smocks and leggings, or leftover maternity wear. Finding a business-meeting-suitable frock was not easy, let me tell you, and walking in heels after a year of wearing flats wasn’t great either.

My other meeting, however, was with two new mums. After much deliberation, I decided to log on to the ‘Meet a Mum’ section of a social networking website, and found a post from a girl a similar age to me who’d just had a baby boy. We met up, with another woman who had replied to her ‘ad’ (it’s like internet dating), and had coffee. They are lovely, funny, smart and laid back – not at all the ‘staring into middle distance’ psychos I’d worried would turn up. And not self-conscious yummy mummies either. Hurrah!

We got so over-involved in our chat that we didn’t realise there was a bloke sitting next to us in the café fully in earshot of the graphic details of our birth and breastfeeding stories – he was doing quite well until we got to chafed nipples, then he downed what remained of his latte and ran. It’s nice being a new mum again, and I think I’ll at least avoid arranging any other business meetings for the next wee while.

I have just booked a place on a mum and baby pilates class instead...