Age is but a number

In the absence of eligible men the Bitch explores the possibility of dating downwards and becoming a cougar...

Okay, that’s it. I’ve finished. I’ve hunted sober, I've hunted cross-eyed, whilst clutching a Champagne flute. I’ve fluttered my heavily mascara’d eyelashes alone – and in the company of some of my liveliest and most psychotic besties. I’ve dressed in vintage, channelling a young Diana Spencer, and in many a lycra-based fabric/body-con number. Which was both flattering and champion for the ol’ stomach muscles as I was so concerned about my silhouette, that I spent the majority of the evening breathing in, and speaking in a breathless, accidentally ‘come-hither’ manner.

But I am so utterly OVER trying to find a decent man within my age group in Scotland (FYI that’s 27 to 35. Don’t send me pictures of your sons and brothers). Now, what’s a bored girl to do!?

Well... what I have noticed this year, for the first time, is younger men – I don’t know whether it’s my perfume, or the time I invested in my 20s not chugging alchopops, instead meticulously applying expensive eye-cream and sleeping... But, I seem to be attracting them.

So... the question is should I date them? Age is a number, not a barrier? Women do mature faster – I mean what if I whip out Stieg Larsson and he suggests Mario Kart? I look younger and I still feel about 18 most days, so why not? Think of all that young, tight muscle that could be keeping me warm as we shiver towards winter. Let’s see where the chemistry takes me, (It’ll save me loads on that Burberry Aviator jacket I’ve had my eye on!). Perhaps it is time to start dating downwards.  But should women who want the doe-eyed affections of a younger man just get a puppy?

Our cultural inheritance can make us feel uncomfortable about OW/YM relationships. Yet the archetype of the older woman as the seductress remains an enduring male fantasy, like Mrs Robinson in The Graduate. Many psychoanalysts believe this can unlock emotions deep in our unconscious such as the Oedipus complex, where the older woman symbolises comfort and nurturing – an echo of the love the man felt for his mother. Perhaps the Oedipal complex does not represent a simple sexual desire, but a state of security? It could be a reverberation of childhood, which can seem like a golden age.

But are these whipper-snappers looking for a wife or a mother? Or just someone who talks about more than hair extensions? I can’t do my own ironing ­– never someone else’s!

However, we know that while men fantasise about the older woman, they tend to marry younger women. Social anthropologists believe our mating habits, honed over millennia, are ingrained: men seek fertile partners; women seek good fathers and providers. Experts describe marriage as a market in which both sexes have something to sell, bringing their share of ‘commodity’ to the union. Thus, a man will provide money, status and power; a woman, youth, beauty and fertility.

Thank God for the Boots ‘Protect & Perfect’ range. It’s helping me age (dis) gracefully. Over the years we have seen reductions in racism, sexism and homophobia. Perhaps we are seeing a change in ageism?

However, the rules of attraction are ever changing too. What made you fancy a guy in your early 20s (nice car, cool friends, a wallet full of VIP cards) may not be the same things you value as you are dragged towards middle-age.
Women as a group are now able to have their own economic and social standing, and have a power base. We are now able to pick the man we want, rather than having to choose the man to support us, and give us social status. Ladies, we have choices!

So maybe I’ll choose to dip my toe in the fountain of youthful dating. I may still be left on my shelf – for the time being, but it’s a really glamorous one.  In the meantime, I’m going to lavishly moisturise and watch Cougar Town. And remember ladies, the 100-odd year age gap between Bella and Edward in Twilight seemed to work in their favour...

What’s Hot

• The X-Factor is back starring the good, the bad and the downright fugly. Whatever. Even more exciting is the return of Harry Hill's TV Burp! Check out his memoir, Harry Hill, Livin’ The Dreem charting a year in the life (obviously not his actual life), of the funniest man on TV.

• Nothing worse than snotty nosed, badly dressed kids and slummy mummies. Sort out your kid’s wardrobe go to stellamccartneykids.com. Also check out Stella’s workout range for Adidas.
  And for the more yummy mummies, after a 35 year hiatus, Biba is back! mybiba.com

What’s Not

• Hopefully, by the time you read this, BB’s John James and Josie will have had their 15 minutes of fame, which will mean other glossy mags (who aren’t a thinking woman’s read like us), will STOP giving them column inches, in which they spout nonsense and dress up as romantic heroes/heroines.
  FYI Josie did not look like Kate Winslet in Titanic – she looked like she was about to be harpooned. Enough already.

• Muffin tops and thunder thighs. Happily though, it’s been proven you can blame your mother! Scientists have discovered 14 genetic patterns associated with waist-to-hip ratio linked to obesity, and how we store fat.

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