The single life

The No.1 bitch has come to the conclusion that we are all dysfunctional attention-seeking lunatics

So, you’ve used up enough tissue paper to transform yourself from an A-cup to a double G-cup. You’ve drunk yourself blind to the point that you were crying neat Belvedere, and you’ve had disco kisses and dubious relations with various Mr Right-Nows. However be warned; that kind of behaviour is risky.

We all love a bit of ‘Les liaisons dangereuses’, but I think it’s a misguided belief that having sex like a man is possible for most women. It just gives rise to women behaving like mentalists and cooking small family pets à la Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.  In the past, women were often dishonest about their virtue. "She’s getting married in white – aye very good!" But now I think we lie more about our promiscuity, pretending that it’s what we always wanted when in fact, we’re actually waiting, appropriately scented and dressed in Dior and Marchesa, to be swept off our feet. Over the last decade we’ve got a little befuddled as to what constitutes feminism. Perhaps trying to get to grips with the male/female power balance caused us to become confused over what embodies a strong women.

So yes, the desolation of the break-up, panic attacks and waves of  loneliness have abated and have left you subdued, but calm. Almost unbelievably, someone you probably haven’t even met yet will usurp this lost relationship. If you’re queasy at the thought it’s hardly surprising.

It’s proven that break-ups are actually bad for your health.  Research has shown that breaking up with a partner can trigger a range of medical problems — from migraines, (as you are forced to converse with your ex over practical matters), depression, (it takes 21 days to un-wire a habit), high blood pressure (that’ll be the Bombay Sapphire), and heart disease, (that’ll be the extremely chocolaty mini bites).

Tighten up singleton. Right now you should be focusing on your career. Now you’ve got time to fully tidy out your desk, industriously make sensible lists and bustle around your home doing ‘stuff’. Except you’re not. You are in fact, staring out of the window thinking about ‘that guy’ (the new crush), in the same way a black widow spider fixates her gaze upon her dinner. Yes, no sooner have we stopped crying over one, we are into another. Because let’s face it, we’re all dysfunctional, attention-seeking lunatics that rely on men to make us feel complete, no?

You might not be thinking about gold rings with a Gollum-like fixation or inwardly chanting Jane Austen when you lock eyes with someone over a sticky dance floor, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”   So what happens if you meet someone and you think, I mean you’re pretty sure, some sort of connection has been made?

   Are we allowed to ask boys out? No! Says Elizabeth Wakefield firmly on one shoulder. Yes! Orders Samantha Jones from the other. In my opinion I think women fear rejection more. But I don’t want to appear like a pushy, bolshy dictator either, (best to try to hide the real me from fresh meat for as long as possible). God, it’s enough to contemplate boiling small mammals... Flirting begins with what researchers call the ‘copulatory gaze’, which is where intense eye contact is broken momentarily with occasional lifting or lowering of the eyes. This is often followed by smiles, synchronisation of body movements, coy looks and head tossing by females. 

So if you can manage to do that without looking as if you have a nervous tic that’s about to develop into a full-blown seizure at any point  congratulations!

* The No.1 Bitch wishes he would just ask her out. Which would therefore, end the rigmarole of consulting and examining tarot, astrology, various websites and friends every 15 minutes or so, with the gusto of a new CSI investigator.