Smelling A Rat...

The No.1 Bitch has found a man to get close to, but can he be trusted or are all men just waiting to cheat?

Can I have your attention please? I have an announcement to make. I have been spending time with someone. Someone of the opposite sex. (Okay, yes – sometimes, I’ve even kissed him!) Now, hold your horses. I’m not having internal debates about the Vera Wang vs. Royal Albert wedding china sets here. In fact, in a complete 180 degree spin from my 18-year-old self, the thought of an actual, physical relationship, featuring hand-holding, emotional expression, and some form of cosy fidelity actually makes me feel as though I should lie down in a darkened room and assume the foetal position. Not dissimilar actually to the way I deal with the occasional migraine.

Outwith my commitment phobia, and general big girl’s blouse fear of the grass being considerably lusher on the grounds of the palatial estate next door, I’ve also had more distress calls and warnings about the gentleman in question than the coastguard’s switchboard received on April the 14th, 1912, when the Titanic found itself in a spot of bother in the Atlantic.

What to do? Does a leopard really change its spots? Is it possible to turn over a new leaf with all the expertise of a New Forrest tree surgeon? Oscar Wilde once wrote, “Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.” Let’s just add to this a sprinkling of Robert Louis Stevenson, who exclaimed brightly that, “The cruelest lies are often told in silence.” What is a girl to do?

Trusting someone is a Big Issue. Often, of course, because when it backfires like the 4th of July (my birthday!) and the 5th of November combined, the fall-out can be so very painful.

“I never knew what it was like for someone to have my back… I never allowed myself to be cared for or protected that way in a relationship.” These are the words of Sandra Bullock shortly before the news of her husband’s infidelity oozed out into the public arena. She barely had eight full days to enjoy her Best Actress Oscar victory before Michelle McGee sold her story to a tabloid newspaper.

Let’s not also forget when we gasped agog at Tiger Woods’ penchant for porn stars, and the ball skills of Wayne Rooney, Peter Crouch, John Terry and Ashley Cole. Even if they are more outwardly wholesome than a Hovis ad à la Mark Owen, apparently it does seem that most men are easily capable of physical betrayal. Even more crass was Vernon’s ’sexting’. And then there was Tony Parker, who betrayed Eva Longoria. Eva, who had been telling us all that “We’re worth it,” but who obviously had settled for second best when it came to her relationship.

Why do men cheat? Scientists have discovered a ’love rat’ gene  – a genetic flaw that makes some men unable to commit to the women in their lives, even if they are the mothers of their children. Researchers have discovered that the brains of men with this faulty genetic make-up appear not to process vasopressin – a chemical linked to bonding – in the same way as those without the problem. Animal studies have shown that these men share similarities to moles, who are also unable to remain monogamous.

I think many men cheat simply because they can and I also think cheats are pretty weak. However, I too have a keypad lock on my mobile, and plenty of passwords and firewalls on my laptop. Maybe like attracts like? I think I’ll momentarily throw caution to the wind, but probably not my underwear. Failing trust, there’s always CCTV...

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