This is life?

The No.1 bitch questions the meaning of life and ponders... is this really as good as it gets?

Sometimes it’s difficult to understand isn’t it? Whether you’re typing blindly on your PC, or immersed in soapy water, mindlessly washing everyone else’s mess, or numbly thinking over why your partner behaves in the idiotic way they do, it's impossible not to sometimes ask – is this it?

When you are footloose, young and golden, OF COURSE you know everything. You’re armed with all the answers you need for the here and now, so there’s simply no time to ask the bigger universal questions: what is life’s purpose? Is there a God? Why am I always skint?

You’re far too busy lurching from higher education, to doomed romances, to an actual ‘proper’ job. Then, when you do get to an age where small wisps of deeper thought start to curl around the edges of your psyche, you realise that you still, basically feel 19, and have to admit you might know nothing at all…

At this thoughtful age you may well have frizz free locks, but not yet a husband. You might enjoy your job as a dentist, but must accept you will never be asked to be the sixth member of Girls Aloud. You perhaps used to believe anything was possible, but now have no time to believe anything at all. It's difficult trying to muse over existentialism when your kids are crying uncontrollably, you and your husband pass like ships in the night and your thighs have the elasticity of cottage cheese.

Life often makes it tricky not to toy with cynicism on an hourly basis. The world is enormous, life whizzes by in an instant and none of it makes all that much sense. I think it’s okay to not really ‘get’ life. Women in particular, need to realise that life is not a competition. It’s difficult not to think like that, when we are surrounded by media sources that encourage us to get thin, sexy, married, stylish and successful… basically, immediately.

The word ‘existence’, comes from the Latin ‘existere’, which means ‘to stand out’. And let’s face it – we’re all competitive bitches elbowing, eyelash-fluttering and fake-smiling our way to fame and glory, to a certain degree. Of course, we get a little feeling of smug comfort when people are fatter than us, smaller than us, not as pretty or witty. Pride and prejudices – we’ve all got them. Fingers crossed, we’ll evolve out of this unsisterly behavior eventually. EM Forster once wrote, ‘Kindness, kindness and yet more kindness’. He is a man, but he does have a point.

So after you’ve asked: is this it? And concluded that sadly or joyously, it probably is... What next?
Well, after you’ve poured yourself a suitably large glass of red wine, you should remember that it’s never to late to turn over a new low-fat leaf, stand up and walk straight out of your history and into your future. Remember don’t worry about life too much because you’re not going to survive it anyway.

If you have friends who are like vampires (I don't mean stylish and pale), who seem to suck energy and emotion from you whilst giving little back – fire them. If you have men’s numbers in your mobile, who are going to cause you (and their wife) nothing but heartbreak – delete them.

Unless you have been brought up amongst The Brady Bunch or The Von Trapps, you will have concluded that no man is an island (although some greying men’s stomachs may well be the size of one). We all need help from time to time, and a decent support network is like a good eye cream. Essential. As disgustingly materialistic as it may seem, the power of new shoes and a pore-cleansing facial should never be underestimated either. Whether your footballer fiance has just been caught with a prostitute and your baby won’t sleep, remember one day your life will flash before your eyes. Just make sure it’s worth watching.

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